Islam has killed me!

Death doesn’t just occur when the one stops breathing.. Death is much more worse when you are able to breath but unable to talk.. Death is much more worse when you know you are living but not actually alive.. Death occurs when the one is forced to lose hope and when they see their dreams turn into dust right in front of their eyes.. And for me, Islam has killed me the worst of deaths.. Islam has taken the best in me; my voice, my dreams and my future.. since I was a kid and Islam has made a prisoner out of me.. my voice and opinions, my hair and beauty should be covered! My identity shouldn’t be shown to protect my chastity.. the culture has been silencing me since forever and Islam is brainwashing my ideas and everybody's trying to erase the mere humanity I’ve held in my heart since a long time ago.. when you’re a Muslim girl you can’t even have an opinion everybody will be silencing you and saying you can’t!

 Forced to cover my hair and identity the only unique feature that distinguishes me from everybody else.. I miss the feeling of the wind through the locks of my hair and thinking why it’s just me why I have to cover up why it’s not the men who have to stop looking but I silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. 5 times a day praying asking God many things but still feeling unsafe still feeling afraid from many things, and thinking why I have to pray, God doesn’t need humans to pray for him I don’t have time but again I silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. one of my hobbies is singing but I was forced to stop singing but thought it’s the only thing I’m good at I find myself while singing I’m not doing it as a challenge for the Islamic teaching that makes my voice Aura; I’m just singing because I like it I love hearing my voice in loud and expressing my thoughts through words in a beautiful harmony.. why my voice has to be Aura why it’s Haram to sing and feel the joy and happiness in it but again I stopped, silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. started thinking and doubting the Islamic teachings but again and as always silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. started reading again and questioning Islam but this time I really can’t go on with all of the doubts that are raising in my mind.. Cried a lot and asked God to guide me.. Many nights without sleeping.. I want to be guided to the right path I’m truly afraid of many things please God if you’re there show me the right route guide me to the right path but nothing but more and more doubts.. I know that the penalty for leaving Islam is death but is it that bad if I wanted a better god; I want love to be the guidance I want peace to be the solution I want happiness to be the ruler.. I’m not doing it to do anything from the prohibited list in Islam, but I can’t go on with the false brainwashed thoughts I can’t keep pretending to have faith while I don’t.. I can’t be who they want me to be.. Teardrops all over the place but unable to relieve my thoughts.. I don’t want a god who created hell for the unbelievers I don’t want to follow any of those rules again but in the same time I don’t want to be referred to as a kafira and to be insulted as if I was committing a crime.. I just can’t go along with these rules I should have my freedom but I'll be facing the death penalty for questioning and thinking.. I’ve already been dead a long time ago; the day I stopped dreaming, the day I was forced to follow blindly, the day I was forced to keep silent but do I desreve to be killed again!

Jordan and Palestine

 A Palestinian who lives in Jordan; having to be silent.. Doesn’t have the right to criticize or say anything in loud.. Having great dreams but unable to achieve.. Have to claim the agreement with both; the Jordanian authorities and the Palestinian’s.. Both people from both sides look at them as being disloyal; Jordanians claim them not to have loyalty to the king and Jordan, and Palestinians in the west bank claim them to be living in heaven and don’t know anything about the real situations in there.. Doesn’t know how to answer the normal question; (where are you from?!).. The whole world look at them as being terrorists but most of them have never saw a gun or any kind of weapons in their whole lives.. A refugee and a citizen at the same time.. Know nothing about their future or the end of that path.. Trying to stick to their culture but the world is trying it’s best to hide anything related to their heritage.. Trying to forget about the past to live the present but in both ways don’t know how to defend their rights.. Think that nobody is staying by their side but doing their best to satisfy all sides.. Just like a strange look with no features guiding their ways.. Growing up with a deep belief that someday they will proudly refer to their homeland as their home that day.. Dreaming about living in peace, laughing and dreaming about the olive trees.. But doing nothing to acheive their dreams.. Different roots and different looks from the world.. UNRWA didn’t buy them homes  or land but rent them land to defend their rights to return, but more than 60 years have already passed but their return is still a stranger and not an expected thing at least in the near future.. Just like strangers in a very familiar place (or it should be; the only place they have always knew).. But to sum it up I will write my own opinions in that:

 first of all I say; I believe that everybody have the right to criticize; I don’t think Abbas is perfect and don’t agree with Hamas.. Not having all of my freedoms in Jordan isn’t alright!

 To the world I say; I am a Palestinian living in Jordan and I am a peaceful human!

 To the Jordanians I say; I am loyal to this land.. it’s the only land I’ve ever known.. Jordan and Palestine is originally one land! 

 To the Palestinians in the west bank I say; the thought of Palestine I hold dear in my heart and mind.. I’ve lived the worst moments of missing my homeland and seeing kids dying and remembering how my family left their home and land! the Israelis children have the right to live and have their lives protected just as any other child!

 To the Israelis I say; I know you should have rights.. your lives should be sacred just as mine.. and a Palestinian child isn’t always a potential terrorist so at least don’t kill the mere hope of a brighter future for you and I.. you spend your whole lives building a home and I respect that!

 To the past, present and future I say; no matter what happened I will always stick to my freedoms of all kinds no matter how hard everybody tried to silence my rights!