Islam has killed me!

Death doesn’t just occur when the one stops breathing.. Death is much more worse when you are able to breath but unable to talk.. Death is much more worse when you know you are living but not actually alive.. Death occurs when the one is forced to lose hope and when they see their dreams turn into dust right in front of their eyes.. And for me, Islam has killed me the worst of deaths.. Islam has taken the best in me; my voice, my dreams and my future.. since I was a kid and Islam has made a prisoner out of me.. my voice and opinions, my hair and beauty should be covered! My identity shouldn’t be shown to protect my chastity.. the culture has been silencing me since forever and Islam is brainwashing my ideas and everybody's trying to erase the mere humanity I’ve held in my heart since a long time ago.. when you’re a Muslim girl you can’t even have an opinion everybody will be silencing you and saying you can’t!

 Forced to cover my hair and identity the only unique feature that distinguishes me from everybody else.. I miss the feeling of the wind through the locks of my hair and thinking why it’s just me why I have to cover up why it’s not the men who have to stop looking but I silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. 5 times a day praying asking God many things but still feeling unsafe still feeling afraid from many things, and thinking why I have to pray, God doesn’t need humans to pray for him I don’t have time but again I silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. one of my hobbies is singing but I was forced to stop singing but thought it’s the only thing I’m good at I find myself while singing I’m not doing it as a challenge for the Islamic teaching that makes my voice Aura; I’m just singing because I like it I love hearing my voice in loud and expressing my thoughts through words in a beautiful harmony.. why my voice has to be Aura why it’s Haram to sing and feel the joy and happiness in it but again I stopped, silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. started thinking and doubting the Islamic teachings but again and as always silenced my thoughts and asked forgiveness from God.. started reading again and questioning Islam but this time I really can’t go on with all of the doubts that are raising in my mind.. Cried a lot and asked God to guide me.. Many nights without sleeping.. I want to be guided to the right path I’m truly afraid of many things please God if you’re there show me the right route guide me to the right path but nothing but more and more doubts.. I know that the penalty for leaving Islam is death but is it that bad if I wanted a better god; I want love to be the guidance I want peace to be the solution I want happiness to be the ruler.. I’m not doing it to do anything from the prohibited list in Islam, but I can’t go on with the false brainwashed thoughts I can’t keep pretending to have faith while I don’t.. I can’t be who they want me to be.. Teardrops all over the place but unable to relieve my thoughts.. I don’t want a god who created hell for the unbelievers I don’t want to follow any of those rules again but in the same time I don’t want to be referred to as a kafira and to be insulted as if I was committing a crime.. I just can’t go along with these rules I should have my freedom but I'll be facing the death penalty for questioning and thinking.. I’ve already been dead a long time ago; the day I stopped dreaming, the day I was forced to follow blindly, the day I was forced to keep silent but do I desreve to be killed again!

Jordan and Palestine

 A Palestinian who lives in Jordan; having to be silent.. Doesn’t have the right to criticize or say anything in loud.. Having great dreams but unable to achieve.. Have to claim the agreement with both; the Jordanian authorities and the Palestinian’s.. Both people from both sides look at them as being disloyal; Jordanians claim them not to have loyalty to the king and Jordan, and Palestinians in the west bank claim them to be living in heaven and don’t know anything about the real situations in there.. Doesn’t know how to answer the normal question; (where are you from?!).. The whole world look at them as being terrorists but most of them have never saw a gun or any kind of weapons in their whole lives.. A refugee and a citizen at the same time.. Know nothing about their future or the end of that path.. Trying to stick to their culture but the world is trying it’s best to hide anything related to their heritage.. Trying to forget about the past to live the present but in both ways don’t know how to defend their rights.. Think that nobody is staying by their side but doing their best to satisfy all sides.. Just like a strange look with no features guiding their ways.. Growing up with a deep belief that someday they will proudly refer to their homeland as their home that day.. Dreaming about living in peace, laughing and dreaming about the olive trees.. But doing nothing to acheive their dreams.. Different roots and different looks from the world.. UNRWA didn’t buy them homes  or land but rent them land to defend their rights to return, but more than 60 years have already passed but their return is still a stranger and not an expected thing at least in the near future.. Just like strangers in a very familiar place (or it should be; the only place they have always knew).. But to sum it up I will write my own opinions in that:

 first of all I say; I believe that everybody have the right to criticize; I don’t think Abbas is perfect and don’t agree with Hamas.. Not having all of my freedoms in Jordan isn’t alright!

 To the world I say; I am a Palestinian living in Jordan and I am a peaceful human!

 To the Jordanians I say; I am loyal to this land.. it’s the only land I’ve ever known.. Jordan and Palestine is originally one land! 

 To the Palestinians in the west bank I say; the thought of Palestine I hold dear in my heart and mind.. I’ve lived the worst moments of missing my homeland and seeing kids dying and remembering how my family left their home and land! the Israelis children have the right to live and have their lives protected just as any other child!

 To the Israelis I say; I know you should have rights.. your lives should be sacred just as mine.. and a Palestinian child isn’t always a potential terrorist so at least don’t kill the mere hope of a brighter future for you and I.. you spend your whole lives building a home and I respect that!

 To the past, present and future I say; no matter what happened I will always stick to my freedoms of all kinds no matter how hard everybody tried to silence my rights!

A woman's life

 Growing up like a stranger nowhere to go nothing to do.. stranger in a familiar place.. same faces laughing in all shapes and rounds.. a deep feeling inside keep telling me why not starting again.. failed in a lot of things but keeping my head up high.. small child with huge hopes but everybody saying you can’t.. a little being who happens to be a female in a place sees me like an extra piece comes with the original being which is the man.. you will never be able that’s the only answer I get besides the high thoughts of having me as a married woman with no more responsibilities or fears.. exploring the world that’s what I’ve always dreamed to do.. sitting there alone and dreaming to be a grown up just an equal adult; working studying having fun just for the person of who I am.. but the reality was far away from that.. a male human in the family is able to tear all of my hopes apart.. laughing at my silliness and showing the real him in front of my eyes.. beaten times and times again.. blue scars all over my body and even my heart.. getting laughed at.. starting to forget who I am and focusing on who they want myself to be shaped like.. starting to see the world as a black hollow without any windows to comfort my thoughts.. this is the real world that’s what I couldn’t even get to realize.. I truly don’t know why but I don’t seem to remember how my days went by so fast.. when they first told me about the period for a woman I knew that from that moment on I was no longer a child.. frightened that they will start to look at me as a whole woman and a half human.. every move everything will be counted.. I don’t wanna continue that journey.. why I’m not a man.. I want to change my body I hate who I am.. I’m afraid of my father my brothers even my sisters and mother I’m like them now.. I know what is it like to be like them I just want to wake up now and look at everything as a nightmare.. but nothing happened.. that was the reality that I faced again.. preventing me from that day on from being without any masks.. preventing me from expressing, from talking, even from being who I am.. fearing to lose my reputation in a place sees me as a not worthy living human aka a woman not a man.. went through a lot I don’t know if anybody else saw what I saw.. felt the way I did.. just the mere voice getting me beaten.. I could be alright just like them; do what they see as right.. talk as they want me to talk.. that way I truly could be alright.. for years I did as they asked.. my life was nothing but reading what they saw as right and doing as ordered that was the peace I could attained for that time.. for so long and I’m missing anything related to me to be a human.. I truly acted the way they asked never questioning and forgetting about the past of hopes and high mountains of dreams that I built in my mind.. I wanted many things but cared about them even more than I can..  keeping in mind that someday I could get married and finally get rid of all of the leashes around my hands.. every time I say someday I will be better even if it wasn’t in this life maybe in the afterlife.. my sisters they are here nothing occurred to them.. nobody want them as wives who would marry a woman he doesn’t know in the first place.. talking to a man was from the prohibited list from the beginning to the end of time in their part of land.. but even though all of that I used to try to believe that someday I will be alright.. days went by so fast I’m just like them I can’t even see the unique features of my face properly now.. I’m just a new number with the same story and I think with the same prison period without an end.. but a new person entered my life my days don’t seem as nights now.. I’m starting to shape the previous me and see from the faded pictures in front of my eyes.. I truly can feel the same lost feelings again but would they let me be would they forget about all of the people around and be for the first time besides me just for this time.. I didn’t think so also but I didn’t lose just my reputation this time but I lost the only peace I could get till they decide what to do with the extra face staring and talking in loud..  

Morals without religions.

Many claim that morals can’t be attained without rules and orders from religions but I think that the concept should be the other way around.. in my opinion morals based on fixed rules aren’t truly morals but more of following blindly.. the thoughts of doing good things or being good just because of the longing for a paradise in an afterlife or the fear of some kind of an eternal suffering; isn’t considered having morals in my opinion since the one without those thoughts; won’t actually be good..

And I think the rights and the wrongs in general should be based on the situations themselves not the mindset of the majority or set of rules that may order some strange or unacceptable rules for many.. dealing with the problems and the amount of understanding for them shouldn’t be fixed for all of the situations but should be flexible due to the conditions, times and the situations..

The morals humans should have in my opinion are, the goodness for other human beings based on the title of a human being, based on the willingness to succeed, based on the thought of  every human has the same rights and should have the same treatment..

Human beings have many things in common.. we are all the same.. Your color, mindset, religion, nationality, culture, age, education, etc.. don’t actually matter but your humanity matters a lot..

 Loving all beings and making the best the one can to make this world a good and decent place; without hate or greed.. Actually I don’t think that hate is a true concept in the first place.. it’s just the lack of thinking based on a quick judgment, a temporary feeling  doesn’t last long, because our human nature makes it impossible for us to hate.. hate is just the lack of confidence in admitting the inner care for our fellow humans..

Justice is all what the one should believe in.. we are all humans share the same inner views, living on the same earth, under the same sun, breathing the same air, dreaming the same dreams we are more similar than we think we are, so, justice is the main concept that leads to human progress.

Freedom is the most important pillar in our lives.. freedom of thoughts, expression, religions, beliefs, doing what we like to do.

 And the moment we lose our freedom is the moment of our death! it would be just like breathing without having a life.. we would have empty lives without the freedom of living it..

 Of course we can’t have a life without rights and wrongs.. life is to be lived with everything in it and we can’t actually be living this life without experiencing them both.. and I don’t think there’s a fixed limit or fixed human rules to judge whether something is right or wrong so long as we’re not harming others in any way.. but it depends on our point of views.. but I believe that everything happens in the nature around us naturally could be considered right but some people view the wrongs as rights and some others view some of the rights as wrongs so, I think that doesn’t mean one of them should be true and the other is false but that shows how great the human mind is and how much we can learn from each other..

The human will

is it now the circumstances that I live in..

or the life that I should try to gain..

is it the rainbow that is spreading?!

or the walls that keep falling apart again and again..

is it the raindrop that I held in my eye..

or the wave that went so high to be hard to attain..

if it was the obstacles that I saw from far..

then I'm sure I'll be able to stand again..

but it's beyond what I could bear!!

it's maybe a curse..

or some kind of an illusion.. hard to obtain..

is it the religion..

or the people that are so wise to have a blind faith..

it's not about money..

it's not about a play..

it's about us..

and how we should live in vain..

it's about a daily struggle..

it's about fighting to learn..

it's about killing..

but no! it's about sacrificing to stay..

is it just me..

or the whole world seems to be turning there again..

there won't much to give or take..

won't be lots of rainbows lighting any ways..

won't be singing birds flying all over the place..

but surely there will always be the human will..

to break all of the walls all over again!!"

"Honor" killing

http://youtu.be/KRy_KFSaMTQ

Honor means: honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions…

                         To regard or treat with honor, esteem, or respect; to revere; to treat with deference and submission; when used of the Supreme Being, to reverence; to adore; to worship. To dignify; to raise to distinction or notice; to bestow honor upon; to elevate in rank or station; to ennoble; to exalt; to glorify; hence, to do something to honor; to treat in a complimentary manner or with civility…

 We could go on telling about the definition of honor but taking a look about what some of the well-known men once said about honor:

“To the Master's honor all must turn, each in its track, without a sound, forever tracing Newton's ground.” Albert Einstein

“All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.” Winston churchill

“Life every man holds dear; but the dear man holds honor far more precious dear than life.” William Shakespeare

“You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.” Aristotle

But unfortunately strangely enough the term honor in some communities started to refer to women bodies!!

Since when and your honor is in your female family members?! Nobody ever described honor to be that way!!

For a culture with the majority of its 'well-heard' population are males we see women treated as inferior since childhood, they don’t have the freedom to be humans as they should be.. they are tied in their female world apart from freedom and life.. some are tied in ignorance and some are tied in waiting to be married to be able to continue living their lives.. the sentence: (you’re not a man!) that hides behind it a lot of other meanings like saying you can’t do this or that! you can never be independent! your life will never go well till you find a man besides you! It reached a point that even women can’t see their future unless it has a man in it.. they themselves feel the inferiority.. they themselves started to believe they are not good enough for anything without a man!

The feeling of being less.. the feeling of being afraid of doing anything which might put them in a position when no man would “accept” marrying them; which means for them and their families the end of their “good” lives or progresses!!

They are even treated without justice and accept it because of being afraid of what other people would say!!

Even the divorce is considered a shame!! The way of their clothing or talking could bring shame to the whole family.. even raising their voices or appearing as independents are considered to bring shame to the family because they are shown to make the female lose her modesty and chastity!!

Their successes are nothing when it has no man in it.. Their whole lives are nothing if it doesn’t contain a name of a man in it!!

 Daily suffer.. daily struggle.. daily killing and daily oppression… that’s the life for the majority of women in some places in the middle east with less opportunities and less lives..

But all of that could be considered nothing compared to the nightmare called “honor killings”!!

Daily news.. daily stories and daily struggle we hear everyday where women are killed just because their father or brother saw them walking or talking with a man or in some other stories just because they took the notebook of their male colleagues in colleges or schools.. or because they refused to wear a hijab!!

Where did the human rights go!! Where did the sacred lives go!! Where did your honor go!!

Honor does Not mean by any dictionary or book or definition “female family member” and it will never be but for that matter it is in the eyes of some men!

The life of the females are becoming worthless.. their lives.. their future their hopes or wishes are nothing in the eyes of males… it’s not a joke of any kind it’s the daily fear the daily struggle for these women!! Their lives could be ended just because they said “Hello” to any male colleague or sometimes just because they started to talk or ask for a change!!!

A woman's thoughts..

“I’m the one who was left behind..

I’m the one who heard the crowds..

The same voices of yelling and the cries..

But why?!

I’m the one who never gained..

I’m the one who never showed her face..

I'm the one who never really dared..

Is it because of the hopes that could someday break the walls?!

Or is it because of the faith that faded when facing the fate?!

Is it the fault of being only who I am?!

But.. I’m the soul wishing to dance..

I’m the baby wishing to crawl..

I’m the seeds praying to be watered in that route..

Blames.. talks.. voices.. all the same..

Walking.. running.. crawling.. but no.. it’s sitting here in vain..

I’m a woman.. that’s all..

Requested to hunger..

Requested to keep silent..

Requested to die..

Requested to never ask why!!!”